It took me so very long to see that this body I was born in is the wrong body for me so I am taking the steps I need to to change that. I have always be different, from the time I was a young child to my early teens, I was always different.
When I was younger I was told that playing with guns and what was to be considered “boy toys”, was just a phase I was going through. That I’m just a “tom boy” and that I was going to grow out of it.
As I started to get older, I realized that no matter how much I did my makeup or wore dresses that it felt wrong. I hated the fact that I had to shave because that was just what was expected of me. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t see a female. I didn’t see the girl everyone else said they saw.
I would often explain that the other thing I was seeing in the mirror was a monster because I didn’t see my female self, I kept seeing a male version of me. I didn’t get that what I was feeling was dysphoria.
I finally had the courage to come out a few years back. Some people took it really well, others not so much. My mom is the one who has been having the most trouble with it.
OK, let’s take a minute.
What a lot of people don’t understand is when you are going through your transition, you’re not the only one who goes through it. Your family goes through a grieving process. They are mourning the death of your old self and some people can take it. Though most of them are going to have serious issues with it.
You are going to lose people…you are going to lose family and friends. But it’s going to be ok. I promise you will get through everything. And if you feel like you can’t or you feel like you’re not going to make it then find a therapy find a support group even if it’s online.
In time you will be able to get finally be you fully. It’s a long process and it is not going to just happen overnight. It’s taken me 2 years to finally be able to get started on my whole process and believe me if there had been a fast forward button when this all started, I would have pressed it in a heartbeat. But when I look back, I realize that I wouldn’t have the knowledge I have now if I would have pressed that button.
Here’s the deal, I am me…I have always been me. It’s just now I am fully becoming who I always was on the inside. It’s just now showing on the outside and I couldn’t feel better. I still have my days where dysphoria gets really bad but I do my best to push through it, it helps that I have a hell of a support system. It helps that I have people to talk to. I am so lucky to have the people I have.
Now back to my mom.. My mom has said many times how she doesn’t understand any of this and it has taken a lot of arguments and fights to finally get her to kind of see things from my end of everything. She may never fully support me and that’s ok. I really have come to terms with my mom just doesn’t get it and she probably will never get it. I love who I am.